Now that you’re gone, I still feel like I shouldn’t move on.
I can’t give up easily, because that would be wrong.
When will I see that this life was made for me?
I can see beyond the horizon, but what do I see?
Strength from within has escaped me a bit,
you broke my heart once, I knew you’d do it again.
Desperation has filled my soul,
but you would never see,
I only wanted what was best for you and for me.
I’m going to take my time and pray you escape my mind,
it’s going to be easy, once I realize the prize.
Someone else is waiting, to find someone like me.
It won’t be long, I can’t wait for you to see.
If you decide to come back, stay outside my door,
I don’t want to hear your words, I can’t take them anymore.
I hope someone breaks you, just like you did to me,
and when that happens, just remember, once upon a time, you had me.
If I could write a letter to myself in the past, it would be much like the one I’m writing you. If I knew that things would get better and that I would and COULD move on, I wouldn’t have “wasted” so many of my days dwelling on things I cannot change. If I knew that the sun would shine in my life again, even on Earth’s stormiest days, I wouldn’t have hid from the storms. I wouldn’t have locked myself away from the world for such a long time, pushing away people, isolating myself from… happiness. But if I didn’t cope the way I did back then, I would never be able to count my blessings the way I do now.
Love comes and goes in life, and sometimes people are truly not meant to be in your life forever. This is hard to grasp, especially when this person is everything you want, and the only thing you want. But even the greatest of things that we come across in our lives have to end at some point. Everything has to change in order for things to grow. A baby doesn’t stay a baby forever, the sun has to rise and set even on the most beautiful days, and love, love never ends, it just changes it’s shape. You cannot see love growing in your live because you are blinded by pain that you’ve allowed yourself to surrender to. But even pain comes to an end. It is then, you will see that the past love which existed in your life, has been replaced with a greater love.
Human beings have a hard time accepting change, and they have a hard time allowing things to move forward. We get stuck in memories, in our thoughts and in our own expectations of how we’d like our lives to play out. Although we are the writers of our own books, we have them edited by a greater power who only chooses the best parts to be scripted within the pages of our lives. Sometimes those parts are when we are weak, tired, defeated, and feeling unloved by the entire universe. Sometimes that entire universe can be one person. It is okay to accept this.
I can promise you one thing. This heartbreak that is taking over your life will mold you and shape you into a person you never thought you can be. Only you can choose to make that person better than who you are today. Believe in the power of yourself. Believe that the world is a cruel, harsh atmosphere full of haters and deceit because this will allow you to see another world full of beauty. The world full of beauty can be your life, if you choose. You will see that this world is full of people who love you for who you truly are and who you truly want to become. You will filter out the materialistic world and soon surrender your heart to a world of beauty that you can create.
Since I was a child, I’ve been taught by my parents that if God is for me, who can be against me. It wasn’t until I was at my darkest, lowest moment that I fully understood their advice. I realized that I had only two people in this world who I could give myself completely to. My god, and myself. It has never failed me, and I believe that it never will. So when I am weak, if I draw nigh to these characters who are pillars throughout my existence of this lifetime. I may fail others, but never myself.
So, when you are crying and you feel weak, let yourself feel these notions because swimming against the current is too exhausting. You will realize how tiring it is to fight against the inevitability of your life within this world. It is when you have cried out all the sadness that you can allow yourself to be happy. When you miss her, send light and love her way and then let go. There is nothing stronger than a person who never chose to be weak, but weakness found them and they chose to be strong. Surrender to yourself and allow light to take over your path from the bridges you have been forced to burn from your past. I can truly assure you that this is not the end, life does get better, you will learn to love again, but as a child is learning to walk, they do not give up, no matter how many times they may fall down and cry. You are crawling right now, but you will learn to walk, let the stars guide you home each time… make a home within your heart and you will never have far to go. Forgive her, and yourself and these burdens will become free of your life. If I knew for a fact God wouldn’t replace what I have lost in my life, I can guarantee you I would not be here today because my pain from my past left me breathless on a daily basis. But here I am, able to tell my story, able to move on, able to help others because of my past, and able to love again. It wasn’t easy, and I’ve wanted to give up, but even when I felt I should be walking, I allowed myself to crawl because regardless I felt I deserved a chance to be stronger.
So I tattooed that word on my foot. I put it on my left foot because it is not as strong as my right. I didn’t choose strong to define myself because I knew there was always room for improvement. I didn’t choose strongest because I knew I wasn’t the best of the best. I choose stronger because it’s better than yesterday but not as good as tomorrow.
May all your tomorrows be better than your yesterdays.
Always,
B
Babe,
I guess things are really over now though I wish they weren’t. I haven’t cried or felt too sorry for myself under the circumstances. It still doesn’t feel like you’re home. It’s like the miles are still between us and I guess they always will be. I put all these expectations in my head for what it would be like when you came home. Hearing your voice over the phone would instantly put me in a better mood, make my heart flutter, and my stomach get butterflies I cannot put words to. But I have to let that go now. You aren’t my babe anymore but I feel like you’ll always somehow, in some way hold a place in my heart. I’ve missed you for a year now. I’ve prayed for you daily. God answered my prayers for your safety, but he didn’t bring you back to me. I must say, I’m not angry with that. I prayed for courage to stay or strength to move on. God must be telling me that there’s strength in my heart to let go, now I must find it. Crying, worrying, and being angry will not change the outcome of your decision. This I know. But sometimes I’m surrounded by memories of you that are so intense and so real, I can only hope this isn’t the end. I guess only time will tell. I’ve forgiven you for your constant abuse since you’ve been back. It was only when you found another love that you began to treat me with respect. I wonder if she’s changed you, or brought you back down to earth. But now, baby, I’m where you once were, in this battle field of nightmares wishing things were different. I wrote lists of things I’ve missed about you, and things I wish I could tell you but never found the right time or words to do so. Will you hear them now?
I pray for you happiness, safe surroundings, better decisions, nights full of laughter and less pain. I know God has his reasons, and I don’t always have to see them to know they exist. I told God that I’ll always miss you, and since you left for war a year ago, I’ve missed you every day. Every day got easier without you, but ever night was still the same. I know one day the answers will unfold in front of me… until then I hold strong in the arms and hands of God wishing you the same.
The place you hold in my heart will not always be as big as it is right now, but I’ll always miss you. And when I think of you, just know I’m sending light and love your way. If it’s meant to be, the light and love I send will light your path into my arms. The light will grow dim eventually as time passes, but I’ll always miss what we could have had.
I’m glad you’re home. I’m glad you’re safe, untouched physically by the hands of war.
I’ll be seeing you.
a girl moved far from home to start her life over. She had been through enough and felt like she was out of options. In order to find happiness, she must leave and start a life of her own. She always knew she’d find love somewhere, but never expected to find it as soon as she found happiness in herself and her surroundings in this new place she called “home”. She made new friends, she stopped crying her tears, she built a foundation out of nothing, and then when she least expected it, she fell in love. The man she fell in love with was someone no one would expect her to fall in love with. He was the opposite of anything she’d imagine in her dreams late at night. He was the complete opposite. They talked daily, saw each other most weekends, spent the night together, laughed together, and got to know each other on every level possible. She hid her secrets of what her past held before she met him, and she was happy about that.
Things were going great until one day she got the call. His deployment was around the corner but the months of training must come first. And so, just like that, a love she had found for a man she’d never expect to love, was coming to a close. For months she tried to get over it, she tried to move on. She reminded herself every day he was leaving, and he might not come back. He never communicated with her after that, and so as summer came to a close, she felt like she could easily close the chapter and move forward.
Then one day, she hears from him and everything came rushing back. The feelings for him, the memories of him. She couldn’t hear his voice, she couldn’t feel his touch, but she thanked God because she knew it wasn’t over. For months they spoke while he was away. She somehow set expectations for his arrival. After all, it had been close to a year since she had last seen him.
The time comes, he’s home, safe and sound. Suddenly there’s a shift in the air. She hears from him less. He’s very short with her. He’s drunk constantly. Finally, he calls, and she hears his voice… almost bringing tears to her eyes. She was so happy. A simple text, phone call, anything from him, makes her heart skip a beat and a smile race across her face.
Just like that, it’s over. She realizes he’s not the same one she fell in love with a year ago. It crushes her heart, and her body aches all over. His abuse was enough. She has to leave for the sake of not repeating her past and moving forward and continuing to live her life for herself. She knows one day their paths will cross… but for tonight, she must remind herself to let go and let god. She has to remind herself of her strength. She has to remind herself that war is inevitable and war changes people. She will never see what he saw, and will never fight the battles he’s fought. But abuse, no… there’s no more excuses.
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